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As those who know me can attest — I often disappear down rabbit holes. Call me Alice.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I can easily become curious around even the most mundane thing. Often, with a beautifully creative imagination believing that something might be more magical than it actually is. 

Basket weaving mermaid

For example… I once wanted to take up underwater basket weaving. Am I into water? Yes, and I’m going to work here to stay on plot, rather than tell you about my love of water — see, even here. Why underwater basket weaving? Because, in my mind it involved swimming under water with other creatives to create beautiful woven basketry, kind of like the basket weaving version of being ‘Ariel’ from Little Mermaid but with baskets. When I found out it was soaking reeds in water and weaving in ‘buckets’ while above water, dry — I was not so interested. See, my magical version has you wanting to join me in the more creative story, right?

Dance like no one is watching

Another weird example… I once had someone attempt to insult me by saying I should go learn to ‘tap dance for a living’. Their bad behavior aside, I found myself curious. Would tap dancing be fun? So, I looked into adult tap dancing classes, bought some shoes and had a blast. Did I become a tap dancer for a living? Ummmm, no. I just had a great time, got some exercise in a fun way and made new friends. And to be honest, laughing about what was said to me every time I went to class happy. 

creative Longing

Yet another example… I went to a leather store in search of a hair on hide (for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s the fur still on a piece of leather often used for furniture) for a custom headboard project. While in the store, there were several people having a leather tooling class (where you use knives, and embossing tools and mallets…).

It was a beginner class. I stood watching for a while until the instructor asked if I’d like to try with them. ‘Are you sure?’ Sure, he said. I sat down, used his Al Stohlman original (for those of you familiar) tools, signed up and upgraded my starter kit. I mean, if you’re going to do it, use the best tools you can afford. Did I plan on learning leather tooling when I walked in for one thing for one project? Nope. Did I have a great time and fulfill a creative longing I didn’t realize needed fulfilling? Yep.

year of ‘yes’

And then, there was my ‘Year of Yes’. My agreement with god, the universe, whatever was ‘up there’ when I was in what felt like a desperate place in a December that feels sometimes so long ago and other times like just last year. Time is funny that way. The agreement that, starting in January I would take as a God, Universe, Source (what I referred to as GUS) sign, anything that was put in my path and say ‘yes’. Even if I didn’t know how. Even if I was scared. Even if I worried about being embarrassed and making a fool of myself. You know what? One of the most exhilarating years of my life. Writing this, I want to do it again. 

Or the time I was in a relationship and the person I was dating was a HUGE history buff. I’d often thought of history as somewhat dry, with a required special taste… He made history come alive in his excitement. And… Who knew history could be so exciting? And, yes, he was cute…

I can become easily excited through another person’s excitement and ‘lit up-ness’. I feel their excitement, my curiosity is sparked and I want to know more — to learn more — to find out more… to see how it turns out. Down the rabbit hole. 

And, I have to admit, I love the story of Alice in Wonderland. ‘Why sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast’ — The White Queen in Through the Looking-Glass, by Lewis Carroll. As I even ponder ‘Alice’, revisiting the story throughout my life, I can see the even deeper story that I may not have been consciously aware of in my youth. All the symbolism. All the deeper, richer meaning. All the possibility. Even the impossibly possible.

The less magical side

I am known for chasing white rabbits, the mad and otherwise, tangent-ing off  and finding curiosity in many things, people and situations. It often feels like a magical gift and sometimes less magical — though I’m careful to not refer to it as a curse. 

In this way, the less magical… I have friends who feel I disappear down my rabbit hole and ‘poof’. What many today might think of as ‘ghost’. For years I would judge myself (and feel judged) by those I was close to every time I disappeared down a hole.

On a side note, see what I did there?

Clues from Childhood

I’m coming to the belief that what resides in our past is not only our emotional conditioning and wounding (places where we may have lived in a continually repeated, through revisited memory, wounding of our youth — a ‘Groundhog Day’ of self-induced wounded memory) but also the magic of the bright and curious light of who we truly are. Just today my own mom was reminiscing about how lucky she and my dad thought they were when I was little. Saying that I always woke up happy and if I was in my crib and awake when they came into my room I was constantly smiling and babbling to imaginary butterflies and my stuffed bear and yellow dog. That I loved the world and wanted to hug everyone. That I was curious and happy.

Hmmmm… a clue. A clue to who I am, and how I am from a secure place within — a healthy, foundational place within. What are the clues from your life? 

FF>> or Fast Forward to today and under everything is still that essence of the little girl who woke up happy and wanted to love the world with curiosity and wonder. And that energy, that who I am at my most lit-up-ness makes for wonderful relationships. However, in a place of polarity we are not just one thing. So, when my other side needed quiet and contemplation and I disappeared down another rabbit hole, sometimes through an emotional rabbit hole, I felt judged. Judged from those who care, and even worse, judgement from myself. Holding to a belief that I was ALWAYS supposed to show up happy, or loving or supportive or whatever… I was always supposed to be there. That was who I was meant to be in the world. We are not just one thing. 

through another looking glass

In my learning of human design — and don’t worry if this is new to you — I learned that I am a 2/4 profile. What does that mean? Well, first off, human design is just another piece of perspective information. Information you can choose to be curious about, or not. As I’ve already made most likely clear… I am curiouser and curiouser. A 2/4 profile is the profile of a 2 (which is archetype/known as a Hermit) and a 4 (which is archetype/known as Opportunist). What that means in traditional language is: I value retreating to personal space AND meaningful social interactions. And for those of you familiar with human design, why yes, I am a Manifesting Generator (or Time Bender in Quantum Human Design)…

So when I dove down the rabbit hole of human design and gathered new pieces of information it was another piece that opened a space for me to be curious about how that was appearing in my life, through my rabbit holing and in my interactions with others. I think of disappearing down the hole in curiosity and adventure — and that adventure can also be in honor of my own deep emotions and well being. When I come out, I share my adventures, bring the light of my soul and my experience, and deeply connect with those around me. 

Shadow & Light

What I’ve learned through chasing white rabbits, besides ‘we’re all mad here’ is that there can be a beautiful weaving together of light and dark. That embracing ALL of who I am in my adventures allows me to love and honor the deeper truth of who I am in all my complexity. And the same can be true for you. That self-love, hard won and continually growing is what can further allow me to be emotionally generous with others, with myself, with the world as I continue to heed my soul and go down yet another rabbit hole, forever curious — believing in magic. 

Is there an adventure, a curiosity that your soul is calling you to? Is there a rabbit hole you long to go down? What would it look like if you took the risk? What might be waiting on the other side? What could shrink? What might grow? Would it be fun? Are you curious? What’s a deeper, more nuanced truth about you that you might learn to love? To honor? To celebrate? Are you willing to go down the rabbit hole? Are you becoming curiouser & curiouser?

See you there…

Every adventure requires a first step.

— Lewis Carroll

Or leap…

— Me