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Better yet, what does it FEEL like?

A DIFFERENT PLAN

When I started this journey, I had another plan… It looked like a recreation of someone else’s vision. A ‘me’ version of their vision. The place of the supposed to’s and have to’s and ‘shoulds’ — even though, through training and coursework, lessons, meditation and therapy… I had convincing myself I wasn’t ‘there’ anymore. Telling myself that I no longer dwelt in the land of others expectations and the ‘Land of Shoulds’. I had convinced myself that it was my interpretation of what my production, my ‘opus’, which even as I write this feels laughable, would be. 

The original plan involved what I thought was a wedding dress, a forest, and a facing into the darkness to find an inner light. I worked to create this. The ‘my version’ of another’s inspiring image. I scoped locations. I thought about who could shoot the pictures. I contemplated lighting… 

When a charity bridal pop-up shop happened near where I’d been staying, I thought it was a ‘sign’. I stood in line for 2 hours just to get to the door. Standing in line with hopeful brides, many of whom had brought an entire entourage and traveled from other states. Me, alone, with a completely different agenda, from a completely different life. Refusing to make eye contact with the person holding the counter clicker — you know, the thing that makes sure the pop-up meets capacity for fire code.

Panic

When I finally got through the door, I was wading through people and wedding dresses, none of them in any kind of order. Sheer pandemonium. Standing in a crowded makeshift isle full of hopeful women and white dresses feeling panic, feeling my throat want to close up. Talking myself down. Telling myself it was ‘Just a piece of information’… ‘I’m fine.’ Standing still, looking up at the ceiling and asking… ‘If this isn’t why I’m here, why am I here?’ Feeling there MUST be a reason. Grabbing a handful of dresses, walking over to the wall and feeling my body refuse to try anything on. Shoving them all on the end of a rack. Wondering if I’d lost my mind.

I asked again, of the spiritual ceiling, ‘Why am I here’? With a deep breath, I contemplated several smaller racks, less crowded to the side. Racks of bridesmaid dresses, and formal dresses, random ‘bits and bobs’ that fell under ‘formalwear’. Looked at the price, felt less panicked, less ‘pressure’, and slowly felt into was there anything I was even CURIOUS about.  Was I willing to be willing to see something differently? 

a New willingness

I picked out dresses, my soul led me to. Dresses I would never have ‘planned’ to try. Found three, one in particular that really spoke to me. It felt darker, but truer. It felt unexpected and more honest… A deep grey, strapless, floor length, tulle gown. I bought it. I walked out of a bridal pop-up shop with something unexpected, that to be honest, I had no idea what I was going to do with or where this was going. I was just willing to listen to my deeper knowing. I was willing to be curious. I chose to be willing to be willing to be open. 

My soul, my higher connection to myself, to god, to faith, to hope, to maybe… was guiding me. I drove away still wondering, ‘Why was I really there’? What was I meant to learn? Was this some kind of really weird personal growth lesson? And, even though I had no concrete answers, I followed the intuitive guidance anyway. 

People who know me know one of my phrases is ‘Anyway…’. At this moment, even as I’m writing this I’m hearing a soft whisper. When you don’t know why, but it feels like it comes from your heart and soul — even if it doesn’t make sense, especially when it doesn’t make sense, do it ANYWAY. 

The Unexpected

An unexpected trip came into my life. A chance to spend time with friends, to deepen connections and step into a deeply held intention of mine to live a life without borders. 

Was this what I planned? No. 

When I threw this tulle gown in a vacuum travel bag and into my suitcase before I left, did I know this was where I would end up? No. 

When I stood, with the wind and the water and the sea, breathing in what felt like life and letting go of all the ‘noise’ and the wonderings of ‘What would people think’ and ‘Who did I think I was’ and just stood in the Silence, in the breath, in the stillness, feeling the infinite of anything is possible, I felt, finally, at home, finally alive, finally like my soul was whispering… thank you, thank you, thank you.

Was that where I thought, or even imagined I’d end up? No.

Freedom to me felt like when I stood in a grey tulle gown at the edge of the Giants Causeway. Standing on an overcast, damp day far from where I had started… feeling the sea and the sky and my soul. 

Pathway to the Unknown

Ancient causeways were often compressed by the feet of humans or animals — tenacious. A guide that day said, Causeway is a pathway from one side, often across water, to another. I think of it as a pathway from a known, across a sea of emotions, to the freedom of the potentially vibrant, soul-honoring unknown. So let me ask…

What does Freedom feel like to you?

Freedom to me feels like a crazy deep, uninhibited breath, and a safe, complete exhale. Twirling in a fluffy skirt. Blowing bubbles on a beautiful day. Laughing so hard I cry. Hugging a close friend and not having to worry about who let’s go first. Like taking the chance to do the ‘crazy thing’ because at the end of the day, or the life — who wants to be the one who ‘played it safe’ and always colored inside of someone else’s lines? 

Soul Centered Love started because I was lit up about offering a place, modalities and tools for people (like myself) to live into the richness, the depth of life from a soul-centered, honoring space. A place where people come home to themselves and feel seen, valued, heard, and loved for who they truly are. A space to set audacious intentions, to live a vibrant life of freedom, clarity, connection and love — self aware, self defined, drawing any lines or circles or squiggles for life in a way that is deeply, profoundly, self and soul-centeredly loving. Love from the inside out. 

Evolution

This space is an evolution. All of life is an evolution. We are all constantly evolving. Cells and souls regenerating, deepening — whether we pay attention or not. Some people like to refer to this ‘paying attention’ as consciousness. The word doesn’t really matter — the deeper understanding does. This blog, Musings & Wonderings is the space where you get a written peek at what is musing through my evolution. Those musings coming up in my awareness, in the awareness of those I share community with, in relationship, in introspection. The things that move, motivate, inspire. Where my soul is curious… 

A friend said to me recently, ‘You don’t ask a plumber what tool they are going to use to fix the problem’. And I thought, ‘True, you don’t care what wrench they use to fix the toilet — you just want the crap gone’. I am a lifelong learner. I have taken courses and have certifications, and continue to gain more and learn more, and I could share testimonials… did I really care when I started my journey? Not really. What I really cared about was, ‘Would my life change‘?

More eloquently put might be, I’ve learned and been guided by many great and loving mentors (family, friends, teachers, guides…) and I’ve been learning to listen more closely to the voice of my own soul — what I refer to as my ‘Still Quiet’. Learning to find comfort in methods of personal support, and structure through coaching and coach training in a way that offers the capacity to hold more stable, sacred space for myself and others. 

Loving Call of The soul

We are all in this together. I may be a guide, a lantern on the path, like sunlight breaking through the clouds, having turned up the light of my own soul… however, your path, your soul-centered, loving, intuitive guidance is yours. I have been studying and ‘doing the work’ and certifying that I might hold safe & sacred space, but this journey that we may share together for a time, is ultimately about each of us honoring our own soul. Each of us taking the courageous intuitive steps to answer the call of our soul that we might live vibrantly lit-up lives. Choosing to listen. Choosing to choose. Stepping out of ‘settling’ and mediocrity for the chance, the soul-honoring chance to stand on a causeway, a pathway of giants and hear your soul whisper… thank you, thank you, thank you. 

So, I’ll ask again: What does Freedom feel like to you? 

If you’ve forgotten… are you curious? Are you willing to be willing to listen for the voice of your soul?